Olive Garden Food Researchers Quickly Coming Up Short On Foods To Scampi

Communicating worry that past work in the field had pushed their most famous cooking technique a long way past its limits, inquire about researchers at Olive Garden declared Wednesday that their most recent information showed they are quickly coming up short on foods to scampi.

“We’ve done shrimp, chicken, pasta, spring vegetables, root vegetables—I hate to say it, but the foreseeable scampi future looks grim,” said culinary development director Dr. Anthony Lee, clarifying how every foodstuff his R&D group had recently endeavored to scampi had been either spurned by test subjects or, ominously, had dismissed the scampi-ing process.

“We’re still decades away from a stable eggplant scampi. There’s no funding for zoodles scampi. We thought we had a breakthrough with beef scampi, but the single sample we generated blew the lab completely apart. We’re looking at scampi vectors we would have sneered at three years ago. Can I scampi a salad? A soup? Breadsticks? We tried to scampi our house red wine last week. Disgusting.” Lee would neither affirm nor deny reports that an upset Olive Garden researcher had endeavored, in the throes of hopelessness, to scampi himself.

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Richie Molaro

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